Free Fall

What are your biggest fears when it comes to love ? Lately I have not been looking for anything at all when it comes to finding someone, only asking God to prepare me for what I have been praying for; love, friendships, family & goals included.

But one of my biggest fears that I have realized lately is not being loved back and being accountable. I always talk about accountability so I know that may sound strange to hear that is one of my fears, but I am in this weird place of wanting companionship and also wanting to run away from it also. In the past, I have chosen people who had so much inner work to do, (shit including me too) but the fact that many of the men I dated had issues far greater than what I considered mines to be, it was easy for me to always point the finger. Blame them for cheating, lack of communication, fear of commitment, lying or whatever you could think of. It made me feel like I wasn’t that fucked up, shit how could he point a finger at me with all he is doing? I found comfort with emotionally unavailable men because they never blamed me for anything. It made me feel confident with the things I was insecure about.

But this man, this man that I pray for, who may be somewhere right now asking God to prepare him for his wife; what if he does not come with that same baggage? What if I ask him to change something and he does. What if what I assume I have been reciprocating isn’t want he wants and I must listen and make adjustments like he has done for me. What if he looks me in my eyes and says things like, “we haven’t been spending much time together lately”, because I travel so much and I feel like I don’t have time to be in love and live out my dreams. This man will want me to be ready and if we are being honest I’m not sure if I am ready to no longer be selfish. I try to be as honest as possible with myself with the things that I want. I fear that I will have given all that I have to someone and they wake up one day and decide this is no longer what they want. They no longer love me the way I love them. Those are the things I find myself of sometimes being afraid of.

Free falling. Surrendering. Flying. Allowing love in and letting yourself flow freely in what it has to offer. We overthink it, we strategize, we try to find anyway to avoid things that are not avoidable if that’s the way it was designed to happen. In a game of freeze tag I sometimes want love to catch me on purpose. When it knocks I want to open my door, welcome it with coffee and offer them a place to sit. I want love to join me. I know it may hurt, I know there is a possibility I may end up hurt but I know I have always been the type that even with a hangover thinking woahhhh that was fun let’s do it again. I live to give love another try. I am here to love someone else and share myself with them, once I feel I have found out who I truly am. I am not here to be afraid of something that is so beautiful when it’s the right person